The short answer
Gurbani does not ask us to stop feeling grief; it offers a way to carry it. It reminds us that every life is a gift that returns to its Giver, that joy and sorrow are both part of human life, and that the soul's light is never lost. Kirtan, Sehaj Path, Ardas and the support of the Sangat can bring comfort — and if grief becomes overwhelming, seeking help from a doctor or counsellor is wise and entirely compatible with Sikhi.
In detail
Losing someone we love is one of the hardest experiences in life. Sikhi does not treat tears as a lack of faith; the pain of loss reflects the depth of love. What Gurbani offers is not a quick answer, but a wider view in which to hold that pain. It gently reminds us that everyone who comes into the world will one day leave — not to make loss seem small, but so that we do not feel it is a punishment or a mistake.
Gurbani speaks of placing what we were given back before its Owner. A life is understood as something entrusted to us, and death as its return to the Source. The Sikh Rehat Maryada encourages Gurbani recitation, Kirtan and Ardas at the time of death and discourages loud wailing or elaborate rituals. Many families hold a Sehaj Path or Akhand Path, and the Sangat gathers to support them. These practices surround the family with Gurbani at the very moment it is most needed.
Gurbani also tells us that joy and sorrow are two garments every human being wears. Grief does not mean we have failed spiritually. Acceptance of Hukam, or Bhana, grows slowly; for most people it is not a single decision but something that deepens over months and years, often alongside moments of anger, confusion or numbness. All of these can be brought to the Guru in Ardas.
Spiritual support is precious, but it is not a substitute for professional care when grief is prolonged, overwhelming, or affects sleep, health, work or safety. Speaking to a doctor, a bereavement counsellor or a mental-health professional is a sensible and caring step, and can sit comfortably alongside Nitnem, Kirtan and the love of the Sangat. Reaching out for help is not a lack of faith.
What Gurbani says
ਜੋ ਆਇਆ ਸੋ ਚਲਸੀ ਸਭੁ ਕੋਈ ਆਈ ਵਾਰੀਐ ॥
Jo aaiaa so chalasee sabh koee aaee vaareeai.
Whoever has come will depart; everyone's turn comes.
ਜੋ ਆਇਆ ਹੈ, ਉਹ ਜਾਵੇਗਾ; ਹਰ ਇੱਕ ਦੀ ਵਾਰੀ ਆਉਂਦੀ ਹੈ।
Everyone who comes will one day depart — a gentle reminder that loss is part of the shared human path.
ਜਿਸ ਕੀ ਬਸਤੁ ਤਿਸੁ ਆਗੈ ਰਾਖੈ ॥ ਪ੍ਰਭ ਕੀ ਆਗਿਆ ਮਾਨੈ ਮਾਥੈ ॥
Jis kee basat tis aagai raakhai. Prabh kee aagiaa maanai maathai.
When one places a thing back before its Owner, and accepts the Divine command with a bowed head —
ਜਦੋਂ ਮਨੁੱਖ ਕੋਈ ਚੀਜ਼ ਉਸ ਦੇ ਮਾਲਕ ਅੱਗੇ ਵਾਪਸ ਰੱਖ ਦਿੰਦਾ ਹੈ, ਅਤੇ ਰੱਬੀ ਹੁਕਮ ਨੂੰ ਸਿਰ ਝੁਕਾ ਕੇ ਮੰਨ ਲੈਂਦਾ ਹੈ —
Returning what was entrusted to its Owner, with acceptance, reframes loss with dignity.
ਸੁਖੁ ਦੁਖੁ ਦੁਇ ਦਰਿ ਕਪੜੇ ਪਹਿਰਹਿ ਜਾਇ ਮਨੁਖ ॥
Sukh dukh due dar kaparre pahireh jaae manukh.
Joy and sorrow are two garments given at the Divine door; human beings come and wear them.
ਸੁਖ ਅਤੇ ਦੁੱਖ ਰੱਬੀ ਦਰ ਤੋਂ ਮਿਲੇ ਦੋ ਕੱਪੜੇ ਹਨ; ਮਨੁੱਖ ਆ ਕੇ ਇਨ੍ਹਾਂ ਨੂੰ ਪਹਿਨਦੇ ਹਨ।
Joy and sorrow are two garments every human wears; grief is not a spiritual failure.
What it means
Guru Nanak Dev Ji reminds us that each person's turn to depart will come, and that joy and sorrow are both garments we are given to wear. Guru Arjan Dev Ji, in Sukhmani Sahib, speaks of returning a precious thing to its rightful Owner with a bowed head. Together, these lines do not tell us to stop grieving. They offer a place to rest our grief: within a Divine order in which nothing and no one is truly lost.
Living it today
- Let yourself grieve; there is no timetable, and tears are not a lack of faith.
- Listen to Kirtan or recite Sukhmani Sahib when you cannot find your own words.
- Accept the Sangat's support — meals, company, practical help — and let people know what you need.
- Offer Ardas for your loved one and for your own peace, in your own words if you wish.
- If grief feels overwhelming or lasts for a long time, speak to a doctor, bereavement counsellor or mental-health professional.
A real-life example
Parminder after her mother's passing
When Parminder's mother died, relatives filled the house for the Sehaj Path and the days after. Once everyone had gone home, the silence felt unbearable. Some mornings she could not get out of bed. She began listening to her mother's favourite Shabads while making tea, and found that small ritual steadied her. After several weeks, her friend gently suggested seeing a bereavement counsellor, and Parminder did. She said later that the counsellor helped her understand her grief, and Gurbani helped her carry it — and she needed both.
Common misunderstandings
A person with strong faith should not cry or grieve.
Grief reflects love. Gurbani invites acceptance over time; it does not forbid sorrow.
Accepting Bhana means pretending you are fine.
Acceptance grows gradually and can coexist with sadness, questions and pain.
Seeking counselling shows a lack of trust in the Guru.
Professional help is a caring and sensible choice, and can go hand in hand with Gurbani and the Sangat's support.
Sources
- Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 474 (Asa di Vaar)
- Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 268 (Sukhmani Sahib)
- Sri Guru Granth Sahib Ji, Ang 149 (Majh ki Vaar)
- Sikh Rehat Maryada, SGPC